So I said to the editor, “Shall I write about balls this month?” And Michael replied, “There’s nothing I like more than a heavy set banging against my chin while I’m choking on a fat one. I’m sold.”

I thought he might say something like that. Not just because he’s a filthy slut. But because here at QXMEN we rate testicles very highly. Every so often we have a “Spot the balls” competition. After all, porn tends to be a bit phallocentric.

It’s all cock, cock and more cock. But where would the meat be without the two veg? Recently balls have been thrusting themselves forward. Film director John Waters introduced us to the concept of “teabagging” (dangling your nuts in someone’s mouth).

It’s become fashionable to shave or wax your sac. Now a fetish is developing for pumping up your ball bag or making your plums hang lower. Rest assured I shall leave no stone unturned (“stone” was a Shakespearean term for testicle) in this load of bollocks.

Anyone who doesn’t know what his dick is for is an idiot. (“He thought it was for stirring his tea.”) But is it only me who didn’t know exactly what purpose his balls serve? In case it’s not just me, here are the facts. Testicles are brilliant because they make males.

They produce both sperm and testosterone. When straight blokes feel the urge to procreate, sperm travel from the testicles through the vas deferens to the penis. That’s why the operation intended to stop sperm going anywhere is called a vasectomy. (The tube gets tied up).

God in His wisdom decided that testicles would function best at a temperature lower than that of the rest of the body. So unlike ovaries, which are inside the body, testicles are outside. Because they create life, ovaries and testicles are equally sensitive.

But here’s another brilliant thing. Because straight men tend to be more aggressive than women or gay men, a victim of male aggression can defend herself or himself by kicking or squeezing their attacker’s bollocks. It’s a shock he won’t recover from in a hurry.

Testicles. Why that name? A lot of bollocks is talked about this. The truth derives from Roman law and in particular testimony. The Romans decided, quite rightly, that testis unus, testis nullus, in other words testimony from one person isn’t worth anything.

It has to be supported by a second person. So because testimony had to come from two people, our two little friends became known as testicles. As more was understood about human anatomy, testicles came to be regarded as the essence of man.

They came to represent courage. In Hispanic culture, recognised as the most macho, to have cojones (not a million miles from stones) is to be a real man.

The idea that the bigger the balls, the manlier the man, isn’t new. The Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue (1811) defines “rantallion” as “one whose scrotum is so relaxed as to be longer than his penis, i.e. whose shot pouch is longer that the barrel of his piece.

”This definition inspired a website, www.rantallion.com. It’s part of a newish, mostly gay, movement that believes that “low-hangers” are the most desirable or that the ball bag should be as big as a football or bigger. This brings us into what might be described as freakish territory. But allow me to be your guide.

“When Jarod Johansen sits on the toilet he has to hang his balls over the side of the pan otherwise they dangle in the water!”

The most enticing cult is that of ball-stretching. For whatever reason, Michael isn’t the only gay man who likes low-hangers.

Balls probably weren’t intended to hang lower than the penis. But there’s a way of getting them down there. It’s a lot of hard work but it’s not necessarily injurious to health. On the other hand, pumping your scrotum full of saline or silicone is relatively easy but you may live to regret it.

First, however, let’s examine chin-banging knackers and to do that we need to meet the man who’s probably the king of ball-stretching, American Jarod Johansen. He’s been using professional stretching equipment for ten years and his balls now hang almost literally to his knees.

When he sits on the toilet he has to hang his balls over the side of the pan otherwise they dangle in the water! Yes, since you ask, I have seen photos. They’re included with his very long essay on how to stretch your scrotum, which you can read at www.secretleather.com.

Secret Leather manufactures the devices you’ll need, basically varieties of metal weights and leather rings. It’s a l-o-n-g process. There’s talk of two 30-minute stretching sessions every day and this has to continue for years. If it doesn’t, your scrotum will resume its original position.

But Jarod thinks that the effort is all worthwhile. He loves the admiring glances he gets when he walks naked around the gym changing room. “Wearing leather stretchers and metal weights”, he says, “is fun, exciting, addictive, thrilling, erotic as well as pleasurable.” Well, I may start tomorrow.

If you’d rather just look at pictures, there’s a couple of good blogs at http://themalesack.blogspot.com and http://biglowhanger.blogspot.com. The latter’s in French and English so if you want to talk dirty about big balls and low-hangers to a Frenchman the phrase you need to start you off is grosses couilles et couilles pendantes. Koala Swim, a fetish swimwear company (yes, who knew?) sponsors a new site, www.lowhangingballs.net.

It’s in development, but we’re promised free photo galleries, advice and stories. “I feel that low-hanging balls never get the recognition they deserve,” announces the home page. “If it were not for beautiful sets of low hanging balls there would be no civilization!”

Er…run that by me again?  At www.pumptoys.com you can buy a Bullmaster Contoured Shaping Cylinder, a “full package pumper” which apparently supersizes both cock and balls. It costs a fortune and the results aren’t permanent. But at least the results look vaguely human.

Which is more than you can say for what happens when you start playing around with needles and syringes. There are videos – apparently genuine – of guys with scrotums so gigantic that they resemble those of Viz’s Buster Gonad, who used to carry his unfeasibly large testicles in a wheelbarrow.

To each his own. But please don’t go down this route without bearing in mind the horror stories.

In July The Guardian published an account of 50-year-old Jim Horton, who revealed, “I’ve always had quite a tight scrotum and heard through various online chat sites that I could get it made bigger.” He ended up in somebody’s house having silicone that had been stored in an open milk bottle injected into his scrotum with the kind of sealant gun you’d buy in a DIY store.

Within 18 months Jim was in agony. He had to go to hospital for a series of operations. “I was warned I could lose my testicles”, Jim reported, “but I was in so much pain, it seemed a risk worth taking.”

Be careful out there. And remember that our balls are not made of steel. As comic actress Betty White says, “Why do people say, ‘Grow some balls’? Balls are weak and sensitive! If you wanna get tough, grow a vagina! Those things take a pounding!”

Antonio Biaggi’s Balls courtesy of Raging Stallion Studio